Blonde at the bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.  The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41. 

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?" The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"

The farmer's special pig

A guy is driving through the countryside and suddenly develops car trouble. The highway is rather deserted, and having no other choice, he pulls his car over. Fortunately, he spies a farmhouse a little ways up and walks there in hope of using a phone to call for help. At the house, a farmer answers the door, and hearing the man's plight, welcomes him in to use the phone. While the man is on the phone calling a towing service, he notices something odd in the farmer's backyard: a pig with a wooden leg. Waiting for the tow truck, the two strike up a conversation. 

The man can't help his curiosity and asks the farmer, "Was that a pig with a wooden leg I saw in your yard?"  "Sure was," the farmer replies.  The man says, "I have to know, why does the pig have a wooden leg?" Well, that's a very special pig," the farmer says.  "One day, I tripped and sprained my ankle near the highway. That pig pulled me from harm's way and went to the house, got my wife, and let her know I was in trouble."
"Wow," the man said.  "I don't know of many dogs that could do that. That is a special pig. But, please tell me, why does the pig have a wooden leg?!"
 
"Well, as I was saying," the farmer replied, "that's a very special pig. One day me and the Mrs. were asleep in bed when the house caught on fire. That pig ran upstairs, jumped on the bed, woke the both of us up, and sure as I'm talking to you today, saved our lives."
 
"I understand that pig is very special," the man says, getting a little frustrated, "But, please tell me.  Why does the pig have a wooden leg!?"
 
"Well," the farmer replies, "a pig as special as that, you
wouldn't want to eat him all at once now, would you?" 

Two College Students at exam

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to go to a party instead and they didn't get any studying done.
 
When they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.

As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.

Then, the test continued...
"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

Two gas men on the run

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

They parked their truck at one end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house an older woman was looking out her kitchen window watching the two men as they checked her gas meter.
 
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
 
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
 
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men
running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!"

Judge looses his gold watch
A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not
necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.

"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."
 
When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"

"I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly
where it was."

 Boy Hide & Seek

A young boy answers the phone.

A man says, "Hello is your dad around?"

The boy whispers, "Yes."

The man then asks if he can talk to him.

"He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers. 
 
"Then is your mom there?"

"Yes" the boy whispers.

"Can I talk to her?"

"No, she's busy," the boy whispers. 
 
"Is there anyone else there?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who?" the man asked.

"A policeman," came the whispered reply.

"Well, can I talk to him?"

"He's busy too," the boy whispered. 
 
"Is there anyone else there then?"

"Yes" whispered the boy.

"Who then?" the man asked.

"A fireman," the boy whispered.

"Can I talk to him?"

"No," the boy whispered, "he's busy."
 
Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing. 

"Looking for me." the boy whispered.

Who is working

I'm tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron
poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other
maladies. But now I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
 
Look at the numbers. The population of this country (USA) is 237 million.  104 million are retired.  That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal 
government.  This leaves 19 million to do the work. 

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 
15 million to do the work.
 
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work  for State and City Government and that leaves  200,000 to do the work. 

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves  12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
 
And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired,
I'm the only one working.

"Wow!  Are you kidding?"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of  5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!  Are you
kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Thanks for the food

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
 
Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in
midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
 
"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"
 
The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also."

God replies, "So be it."
 
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast.

Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."

A Drink Please!

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
 
Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
 
A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the
"same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
 
A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
 
Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries - "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"

Minister's son wants a car

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Skylight sunbather

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you didyesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."